the right word never arrives when you need it but i’m not sure i actually knew it in the first place.
the functional ability to balance resides in the vestibular system,
and mine laughed at me while i teetered on a boat dock in the middle of the night.
perhaps scorned that i tried to call it ‘the limbic system,’
the ironic Captain Memory,
or perhaps because i let go of its hand on purpose.
nightfall / simply falling / falling asleep
most everyone at some time or another
jolts out of sleep,
seized by the sensation of falling.
but that night i swear — my heart pounded so hard — i was buckling into a bottomless void at such a violent speed…
well i have my own theories,
considering the potential terror induced by the occupation of the inner-ear,
out of context.
still haunted by what you said about falling.
it’s funny how we think that gravity is spiteful in the way it makes us keel and collapse,
when really we’re the ones trying to leave its constant embrace — only to find ourselves yanked back into its arms.
neither you nor anyone i’ve ever met has loved like gravity,
and i still wonder whether or not i should count myself fortunate.
some days i find myself envious; that attempt to hike Half Dome inflicted a day-long plague of thoughts about how much i wanted to hold your hand.
and when you did on the rainy streets of San Francisco — i could barely talk about it,
could barely talk about how sad all the art made me feel,
could barely talk about why i just needed to sit in the upper room of the bookstore and read poetry about coping with the death of loved ones.
nightfall / rainfall / or simply falling asleep
i just wanted to tell you that — every once in a while — i’ll fall asleep with the tears,
remembering the hollow withering i felt as i sat at his bedside and watched him die.
and i just wanted to tell you that — three years after the fact — the right words finally arrived.